When I Needed You (Re-upload)
by MagicMemories
Summary: Alison DiLaurentis can't hide her feelings for Emily Fields any longer, but what happens when she discovers what her recent actions have done to Emily? AU story and Alison doesn't disappear. Rated M for Self Harm and Eating Disorders. Emison. This is a re-upload of the original story.


Alison finished applying her make up and stood in front of her mirror, giving her appearance a once over. Satisfied, she put her phone; keys; make up and wallet in her bag before tossing it over her shoulder. Making sure she had everything before closing the door slowly behind her. As she slowly made her way down the stairs, her right hand running lightly along the wooden rail, opened her front door and locked it behind her, her mind is made up of jumbled thoughts and feelings. She wondered about her brother's odd behaviour of late.

Sure, Jason spends most of his time high but recently she has caught him in her bedroom with a video camera pointing in the direction of the Hasting's house. He had freaked out when she caught him, and had been avoiding her ever since. Alison couldn't understand why Jason would be filming inside Spencer's bedroom. All her efforts to discover what her brother was up to had been in vain.

She thought about Emily; how the brunette had made a move on her in the locker room and had been coldly rejected. She wonders if Aria will be able to withstand her Dad's manipulation and do the right thing and tell her mom about his affair.

In her thought-filled haze, she barely noticed a bush rustling behind her as she reached her car. She stopped dead in her tracks, fear and panic clutching at her heart. It felt like someone has a hold on it and was squeezing it tightly. She snapped her head to the left; and then the right; and then behind her. She was scanning the area but finding nothing. She nervously opened the door of her car, taking one last glance behind her before sitting in the drivers seat and closing the door. As she reaches up to adjust the mirror, she swears she sees a black shape moving in the trees. She quickly turns the key in the ignition and drives away from her house. She can feel her heart thumping rapidly in her chest. Was she imagining it? Or had someone been at her house watching her?

Barely focusing on the road, Alison wonders if Emily is expecting her. She had texted the brunette earlier in the week, saying she would come over some time though not giving a specific time or date. 'Whatever.' Emily had responded over an hour later and Ali remembers how she felt her heart shatter in her chest when she read the message. Emily's anger at the blonde evident in the text.

Alison hated herself for hurting Emily, she wished things could be different. But she was Alison DiLaurentis, Queen Bee of Rosewood High and town 'It' Girl. She had a reputation. Though she so wished that she could be with Emily without it being frowned upon or being scared what people would think. She couldn't love Emily Fields…. But she did, she really. really did. Though her actions spoke otherwise and no matter how much the blonde denied it even to herself, the fact remained.

Alison DiLaurentis was in love with Emily Fields.

 _"I can't be gay"_ Alison thought to herself as she sped past the school on the way to Emily's, _"I simply can't be, what would my parents say? My brother? What about Spencer, Aria and Hanna or everybody else at school?"_ Alison had many secrets, but she swore to herself this was one she would take to the grave.

Alison's thoughts continued to wage war with each other until she pulled into the Fields' driveway, noticing Emily's car was the only one there; meaning the brunette was home alone. She took a deep breath to centre herself before opening the car door with shaking hands and making her way inside.

 _"_ Em? It's me, where are you?" She called as she pushed the front door open and stepped inside. There was no answer. Thinking she might be in her room, Alison slowly made her way up the stairs, her wedges clapping against the wood of the staircase. She removed the shoes and placed them at the top of the stairs.

From the beginning of the hallway, Alison heard sniffling coming from the room at the far end of the hallway; Emily's room. She stepped forward, her right food leaning on a loose floorboard which sends a creak through the second floor of the house. Alison's heart dropped when she heard a gasp of pain, a hoarse voice murmuring ' _Shit!'_ and the light ring of a small piece of metal hitting the floor.

Panic rushes through Alison and she doesn't think twice, rushing into the brunette's room, but what she sees makes her stop dead in her tracks and she feels her heart sink to the floor. Tears welling in her eyes, she sucks in a gasp of shock at the sight before her.

Emily is sitting on the tiled floor of her bathroom, her eyes red and puffy. It's obvious the swimmer has been crying. What startles Ali more however, is Emily's arms. Along her smooth, naturally tan skin was a series of angry red lines with blood trickling down them, almost like her arms are crying tears of red.

Cuts.

More than a dozen of them. Some were big and deep, others were small and superficial. However, they were cuts all the same. Alison refuses to let the tears fall as her eyes widened in fear and concern for the girl she loves. Her eyes stung with the effort to hold them in. Alison tentatively took a step closer and could see Emily clutching a silver razor blade in her right hand, holding it between her thumb and index finger, poised over her left wrist, ready to let the blade kiss her skin once again.

Upon seeing Alison in the doorway, Emily turned her wrist so that her fingers are pointed upwards, then she released the blade from her two fingers and it fell into the palm of her hand. She then closed her fingers around it, making a fist, as the blade pierces her hand, blood makes it's way down her hand and onto the floor.

In three swift strides, Alison is standing in front of the girl she loves more than anyone else in the world; the girl she loves who won't look at her. Emily's eyes are fixed on the tiled wall opposite her, but they are blank and glassy, like she is a million miles away. Alison let the tears flow now, not bothering to stop them as she falls to her knees in front of the broken girl.

"Em…" She tries to speak as she takes Emily's closed, bleeding fist in both her hands and gently tires to pry her fingers from her palm in order to reach the blade now piercing her mermaid's skin. Emily continued to stare blankly at the wall on the other side of the room but she tightens her fingers, digging her nails, and the blade, deeper into her hand. "Emily please, give it to me, please _"_ Alison begs softly, her voice barely louder than a whisper. Still, Emily won't budge, her eyes still focused on the wall opposite. _"_ For me… _"_ Alison breathes, her voice trembling.

At these words, Emily turns to look at the blonde. Seeing the pain in Alison's eyes and the tears on her face, Emily gives in. She lets her fingers loosen around her hand but doesn't open it. Alison gently pulls Emily's fingers away from her palm one by one until she sees the silver blade buried deeply in her friends hand. Alison carefully removed the blade from Emily's skin and placed it in her pocket, vowing to destroy it.

Emily let out a small whimper before the tears came. She could barely breathe in between sobs as she feels an intense sense of pain at the blonde discovering her secret. Alison reached up and cupped Emily's face gently in her hands, placing a light kiss on her forehead before pulling the broken girl into her chest. Emily buried her head in the crook of Alison's neck and sobs while Alison rubs her back in an up and down motion with one hand and stroking her hair with the other. They stay like this for over 10 minutes, Emily sitting on the floor, Alison on her knees in front of her, silently comforting her. Alison finally breaks the silence. Still holding Emily in her arms protectively.

"Oh sweetie…why? Why would you do this to yourself?" Emily doesn't speak, she simply continues sobbing into Alison's neck.

Alison pulls away and stands up, picking Emily up bridal style and carrying her into her room. Since Emily is taller than Alison it takes every ounce of the girls strength to pick the swimmer up off the floor and into her arms but she manages. She places Emily down on her bed and places a pillow under the brunettes head.

"Stay here _"_ Alison says firmly, placing a light kiss on Emily's tear-stained cheek. "I'll be right back"

Emily says nothing, her eyes fixed on the ceiling. Alison pulls the bedspread over Emily, making sure her arms are turned so her cuts are facing upwards so as to not get blood on the sheets, before turning to the door and walking out of the room.

She walks slowly down the stairs, fighting tears. As she enters the kitchen, she quickly sets about looking for the first aid kit. She thinks about Emily, sweet, innocent Emily; and what she had just witnessed. She finally loses it, sinking to her knees on the kitchen floor. There are tears streaming down her face. _"_ Why Emily. Why _?"_ Alison whispers brokenheartedly. The reality of what she had seen finally sinking in. Those cuts were self inflicted, Emily did it to herself.

Emily had done this to herself; for god knows how long.

This thought brings Alison back to the situation at hand. Realising that Emily is still bleeding upstairs, rather badly. Alison rose to her feet and continues searching for the first aid kit, finally finding it on the top shelf in the pantry. She held it as steady as possible in her shaking hands as she padded quietly up the stairs. Quietly opening the door and walking in.

 _"_ Em _?"_ Alison begins softly, approaching the brunette, who hasn't moved since she left the room. _"_ Em, I am going to clean your arms and bandage them okay?" Emily didn't answer, her eyes still fixed on the ceiling.

Alison sits on the bed at Emily's feet, placing the first aid kid next to her before reaching forward to help Emily sit up. Alison gently pushes Emily back so her back is against the headboard, placing a pillow behind the brunettes head. Alison gently takes Emily's right hand in hers, carefully avoiding the deep cut on her palm and pulls it towards her so that Emily's arm is extended. Alison brings the swimmers arm up to her face, carefully examining the cuts one by one.

As she studies each self-inflicted wound. Alison can feel a sense of guilt building up inside her. Was she responsible for this? Had her cruel rejection of the brunette in the locker room led Emily to do this? Alison feels hatred for herself rising up in her until it erupts like a volcano and has to resist the urge to take the razor blade in her pocket to her own skin to punish herself for leading her darling Emily to take the blade to her beautiful body. She wipes the tears that threaten to fall and opens the first aid kit laying beside her.

Alison first wipes down every cut with soap and warm water, before cleaning them with an antiseptic wipe, apologising when she hears Emily whimper in pain. Once all the cuts have been cleaned and the bleeding has stopped, Alison carefully wraps two layers of gauze on Emily's arms before covering them with a bandage, and using medical tape to attach the end to the bandage so it wouldn't fall off.

Once both of Emily's arms have been cleaned and wrapped, she settles on her bed so she is laying down. Alison walks to the other side of the bed, sitting against the headboard and pulling Emily's head into her lap. Stroking Emily's hair and caressing her face. She feels her heart break at seeing her Emily so utterly broken like this. She leans down and places a light kiss on the brunettes forehead before whispering "I'm sorry" into her ear. She proceeded to kiss both of Emily's cheeks, nose, jaw and finally lips, each with a whispered "I'm sorry". She continues to place kisses all over Emily's face until the girl falls asleep.

After a couple of hours, Alison feels Emily start to stir. She hasn't left the brunette this whole time, Emily's head still resting in her lap. Alison stokes Emily's hair gently as the swimmer slowly opens her eyes and turns her head to look up at the blonde.

"Ali…?"

Alison leans down and presses a kiss to Emily's forehead before pulling back to look at her, blue eyes meeting brown.

 _"_ Oh Emily…why sweetie? Why would you do this to yourself?" She breathes. Tone making it evident that she is heartbroken.

"Y-you stayed?"

 _"_ Of course, you were hurting, I couldn't leave you" Alison says, voice shaking as she fights back tears once again.

 _"_ Ali I'm so sorry you… _"_

"No Emily please don't," Alison cut her off, shaking her head furiously. "I'm the one that should be sorry. I'm the one that broke your heart in the locker room. I'm the one that made cruel jokes about you liking girls. I'm the one that should be hurting right now, not you Emily. I'm sorry Emily. Please let me make it up to you. I swear I will protect you until the day I die, I love you Emily Fields, I always have. I was just too scared about what people would think and how my parents would take it. I was afraid, I'm not anymore. I love you, I love you, I love you."

She knew that only half an hour ago, she had been telling herself that she would take her love for Emily to the grave. That had gone right out the window, now. After seeing Emily so broken, Alison could not care less about her reputation.

"Ali…I don't know what to say"

 _"_ Shhh" Alison coos as she caresses Emily's face gently "Don't stress, I'm right here and I'm never leaving again"

"I love you Ali"

"I love you too"

Milk chocolate brown eyes meet ice blue ones and Alison leans down to the broken girl in her arms and kisses her softly on the lips, feeling Emily's breath hitch in response. The next thing Ali knows, Emily is kissing her back fiercely, like it's the last time they will ever be together like this. Alison gently runs her tongue across Emily's bottom lip, asking for entrance. The swimmer happily grants it and Alison deepens the kiss. Emily reaches up and buries her hands in Alison's long, golden locks as they explore each others mouths with their tongues.

"Em?" Alison murmurs against the brunettes lips, receiving a hum in response. _"_ Em…has it happened before?" Alison asks as she runs her hands gently along Emily's injured arms. Emily hangs her head and suddenly finds the patterns on her quilt interesting. "Emily look at me" Alison says quietly, tilting Emily's chin with her fingers so the brunette is looking her in the eye. "Have you done this before?" The blonde asks again, this time more firmly.

"Yes" Emily muttered under her breath, looking down again. She expected Alison to get up and leave in disgust, saying that she could never love a girl with scars and that she was just practicing with her again.

Instead Alison places one arm under Emily's back and helps the swimmer sit up, resting her butt on her feet as she takes both of Emily's hands in hers. "Where?" The blonde asks cautiously, choking back a sob. The fact that this isn't the first time her Emily has done this to herself breaks her heart even more, she can literally feel it cracking inside her.

Emily doesn't answer, looking down to the ground again and staring to pick at her fingernails anxiously. She can't let Alison see, she can't let the blonde see her ugly scars that cover her body. She can't let the blonde see anymore than she already has. Alison could not see what Emily hid underneath her clothes, she can't have Alison thinking less of her, her heart couldn't cope with rejection from the blonde now.

As if reading her mind, Alison reaches up and places her right hand on Emily's tear-stained cheek, wiping them away with her thumb. Emily sighs softly and leans into her hand, the blondes touch soothing her. "I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to judge you, you don't have to worry" The blonde whispered.

"It's so embarrassing" Emily manages, her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

"Don't be" Alison whispered softly, still stroking Emily's cheek with her tongue. "Em…can I please see?"

Emily sucks in a breath before nodding. Alison leans forward so she is inches away from the brunette and grips the hem of her shirt, looking at Emily, silently asking for permission. Emily blinks back tears and nods. Alison pulls the shirt up over the swimmers head and tosses it aside, she then leans moves her hands down and begins unbuttoning Emily's pants, again asking for permission, which the brunette grants. Alison slowly pulls Emily's pants down her long legs and tosses them to join her top. Alison them leans back and scans her eyes up and down the athletes body.

Dozens and dozens for scars cover Emily's hips, thighs and stomach. Some big, some small, some are raised and pink while others are white and almost invisible. Some are fresh while others look old. Alison traces her index finger along the biggest of them, a large cut along Emily's hipbone, it is pink, puffy and looks only a few days old. Alison fights back tears as runs her finger down Emily's thigh, stopping at the last mark halfway down her thigh and tracing it with her finger before doing the same to the one above it and keeps going until she has traced every scar on her mermaids body. Alison then scoots closer to Emily, leaning down and pressing her lips to the first scar, then running her fingers along it before kissing it again. She does this to every angry line on Emily's beautiful skin, making sure not to miss a single one. Giving it loving attention and care, hoping to kiss the pain away.

Emily can't help but feel vulnerable, she is in front of Alison DiLaurentis in just her bra and underwear while the blonde kisses her thighs and stomach repeatedly. Though the blondes tender kisses are soothing the panic she feels, Emily wonders if Alison really means this or if she was just stringing the brunette along. Emily's fears are eviscerated when Alison looks up from her place hovering above Emily's stomach and Emily sees nothing but love and concern in the ice blue eyes of Alison.

Alison swings her legs over the side of the bed and stands up, dragging Emily with her. The blonde has decided its time to show Emily Fields just how beautiful she truly in. Alison takes both of Emily's hands in her own and walks backwards towards Emily's mirror, leading the brunette to stand in front of it. Alison removes her hands from Emily's and walks to stand behind the brunette. Wrapping her arms around Emily's torso as they both stand in front of the mirror. Alison presses a series of kisses along Emily's shoulder before looking into her mermaids eyes in the reflection of the mirror.

"Do you trust me Em?" The blonde breathes softly against her neck while her hands, still wrapped around Emily's waist protectively, draw circles on her scarred skin.

"With my life, Alison" The athlete replies cautiously, she didn't know where Alison was going with this, but with Alison's hands tracing patterns on her bare skin, Emily feels safe in the blondes arms.

Alison kissed Emily's shoulder tenderly before running her hands up the brunettes torso, tracing the bottom of her bra all the way until her fingers rested on the clasp on Emily's back. Emily's breath hitches in her throat and she starts to tremble nervously. Alison, feeling the response, undoes the clasp with gentle hands but doesn't remove the bra. Instead she places her hands on Emily's shoulders and uses her thumbs to massage the knots out in an attempt to soothe the swimmer.

"Relax sweetheart." Alison coos into Emily's ear. The beautiful sound settles Emily's nerves as she relaxes into the blonde's gentle hands. Alison finishes pressing her thumbs into Emily's skin and traces her bra straps before slowly sliding them down her arms and removing it, letting it fall to the floor at their feet.

Alison tries not to focus on her mermaids beautiful breasts as she kisses all the way down Emily's back until she reaches her underwear, kissing along the outline of them before hooking her fingers into the waistband and slowly pulling them down, taking care not to brush against Emily's scars. Alison crouches down to help Emily out of the underwear from behind. Once they are off, the blonde rises back to her full height and wraps her arms once again around Emily's torso, planting soft kisses along Emily's shoulder and neck. Emily is now completely naked in Alison's arms as the blonde places soothing kisses along the back of her neck and shoulder blades.

"You should know…" Alison begins as she nuzzles Emily's shoulder and kisses it tenderly. "You are absolutely gorgeous." Alison can feel the heat pool in her stomach at seeing Emily in her purest form, but this isn't about that, it's about showing the brunette just how beautiful she is. "Look at yourself, you are so fucking beautiful," Alison whispers into her ear. Emily turns to look away, but Alison, expecting this, raises one hand from the brunettes waist to place her hand on her cheek to stop her from turning away. _"_ Don't look away," Alison says quietly. _"_ Look, see yourself the way you really are. See your beauty, see how stunning you are, see how much you are worth. _"_

A single tear falls from Emily's eye as she looks at the naked brunette looking back at her, Alison's pale arms wrapped around her protectively. She can't believe that Alison is taking care of her like this. She can't believe the blonde loves her. She can't believe Alison hasn't run away. Emily realises there are two sides to Alison DiLaurentis; the queen bee who bullied people to feel better about herself, and the kind and gentle soul standing behind her right now, the real Alison.

Emily turns to face Alison, blue eyes meeting brown, and captures her lips in a soft kiss. Emily shoves her hands in Alison's hair as the blonde leads them both backwards towards the bed. When the blonde feels her knees hit the edge of the bed she spins them around and gently guides Emily down onto the bed so that the brunette is under her. Alison settles her weight on the athlete, their lips never parting and lifts Emily's thigh, wrapping it around the blondes hip as the kiss deepened. Alison releases Emily's lips, the brunette whimpering at the loss, and latches on to Emily's neck, kissing and sucking softly, causing a moan to escape Emily. Alison kisses her way down Emily's neck and torso, stopping to kiss ever scar on the brunettes body, kissing all the way down to her ankles and back up again, stopping again to plant tender kisses to Emily's self inflicted scars, Alison's lips find Emily's and kiss them softly before she lifts her head to look the brunette in the eye. "Em?"

"Yeah Ali?" Emily answers breathlessly.

Alison picks up one of Emily's arms, placing a kiss on the bandage before kissing each of her knuckles, doing the same, except with the other arm, her eyes never leaving Emily's. _"_ If you ever get the urge to do this again, promise me you will call me?" Alison asks hopefully. She can't bear the thought of Emily ever taking a blade to her skin again.

"I promise Ali. _"_ The brunette responds before leaning up to capture the blondes lips again.

In that moment Alison knew, she would do whatever it takes to protect her mermaid. As they kiss long into the day, losing themselves in each other, Alison vows that she will be everything Em needs her to be. A sister, a friend, a protecter or a lover. She will take care of her until her very last breath.

As Emily lay sleeping in the blondes lap again, exhausted, Alison knew that all she would ever need was in her arms, breathing slowly and peacefully as the blonde watched over her.


End file.
